СЛИШКОМ ПОЗДНО №7: Замедление YouTube, запрет мата со сцены, 100 детей Дурова и обмен заключенными.

ruticker 02.03.2025 23:23:39

Текст распознан YouScriptor с канала Данила Поперечный

распознано с видео на ютубе сервисом YouScriptor.com, читайте дальше по ссылке СЛИШКОМ ПОЗДНО №7: Замедление YouTube, запрет мата со сцены, 100 детей Дурова и обмен заключенными.

I've got to warn you... Hello! What's your name? How old are you, Lubov? Lubov, there's gonna be a lot of sperm jokes tonight. I don't know if you're comfortable with this... Sometimes I'll use synonyms to avoid tautology, like "ejaculate" or "cum," which is still uncomfortable. Are you okay? You knew what this was? Hello! Thanks for coming and thank you for watching. My name is **Danila Poperechniy** and this is the seventh episode of the show. The world is really getting more and more fucked up with each episode, don't you think? So much happened in 2 months while we were away, it's hard even to fully digest all of it. Durov has a hundred kids. One of the American presidential candidates almost got whacked. Glukoza had a little too much to drink. Robert Downey Jr. is coming back to MCU but as a villain. And I think the roughest of it all — YouTube in Russia is fucking done, I guess. So maybe I don't have to really try and make good jokes tonight. Chances are no one's gonna fucking see it. As by the way, no one still has seen *Deadpool & Wolverine* in Russian theaters. I believe the movie isn't in the theaters because they think the Wolverine supports Ukraine with his yellow and blue suit. By the way, I'm the Wolverine but without the abilities to heal or run for President in Russia. As the biggest fan, I have watched the entire movie, obviously. I'll tell you what. No spoilers. It's like I was taken to a nostalgic roller coaster. A universal way to make a mediocre movie awesome. Throw in some stuff you miss and used to love, and that's it. Put into any movie unlagging YouTube, St. Petersburg hangovers, Instagram that doesn't need VPN, 50 rubles for a dollar, Aviasales ad, and my granddad, and I'm gonna love it. There have been rumors that Hugh Jackman is back to this role and the Wolverine suit and claws because of his divorce. Well, I can relate, to be honest. Some of you may have seen on Telegram and in the news media the news being spread that my wife and I got divorced. We didn't want to address this at first, but so many of you have been asking, so I'm just gonna talk about it here. Yes, it's true. We have made this decision; she's gone to her parents' now. And I'm staying here and will have to give her half of my money. Are you fucking insane? I'm a foreign agent. I'd never fucking... Even if she beats the fuck out of me daily, I'd never divorce her. Half of my money? Nope. Staying on the grind. Putting up with everything. Well, yeah. The obvious news is that I've been listed as a foreign agent. But you know what I'd like to say? They did it too late. We'll be back after a short ad break. Ah, fuck, there's no ads anymore. Most likely, permanently. Okay. If you want to get rid of your competitors, just pay me for doing their ad on this channel. A round of applause and we'll be right back. This episode of *Too Late* and my other videos are released on my Boosty and Patreon pages earlier than on YouTube. They are also uncensored. Plus, the other day I answered my followers' questions and released those videos exclusively on Boosty and Patreon. So please subscribe. And if you don't want to... Well, fuck it. Go ahead and watch the episode. First look at the remake of *Prostokvashino* with actual actors. The producers are Andreasyan brothers. Ivan Okhlobystin is going to play Pechkin the mailman. And they're gonna use CGI for animals. > "It's me! Pechkin the mailman! I've got a call-up paper for your boy!" By the way, they're having CGI animals because no animal agreed to shoot with Okhlobystin. In fact, Okhlobystin really is a fucking talented actor. But there's this weird feeling when you think about this, so to say, controversial persona playing in a kids' book adaptation. Anyway, he can always say: > "You know why I used to be so grumpy? I didn't have Goida back then." Zhirinovsky's son has bought an apartment in Dubai allegedly to honor his father's last will. The son of LDPR chairman said that when his father woke up from a coma in February of 2022, he called him up with his last wish. He asked to bring him some rabbit, some beef tongue, and buy an apartment in Dubai. I'm sure it's gonna be like Vanga stuff. Every year in the son's awesome life there's just gonna be more. Like, > "He also asked me to have a great fucking time in Ibiza and get high on blow. This is for you, Dad." And to some other stinky news. Denmark is going to impose a fart tax. True story. But don't tear up your visa yet. It only works for cows and pigs. The tax is to be paid by farmers because 15% of the world's methane emission is caused by livestock farming, which makes quite an impact on the environment. Apparently, Russian TV is telling the truth — in Europe you can't breathe nor fart freely anymore. I can see the IRS guy coming into a barn, like: > "Smells like work." I wonder if they're gonna put a meter on cows' asses like in the Soviet Union. And if the farmers are gonna mess with the meter before the inspection visit. Anyway, that's relatable, 'cause we also bust our asses to pay taxes. The State Duma is debating a bill prohibiting obscene images and language in show business. Well, I'd fuck this nasty law. I've got a question though. Is Shaman in his leather pants with a mic considered an obscene image? Just trying to understand. We know that he's not wearing any underwear. And he's putting this all over his face. I get the musicians who have already figured this stuff out. If there's a curse word in the song, they just point the mic to the crowd and make them say it. People in the crowd know the lyrics. What the fuck are comedians supposed to do? > "How to make a gay guy fuck a woman? Please guess the punchline 'cause it's dirty." I guess soon we're gonna have special coupons for cursing on stage. Soon enough, TV comedians will come a full circle and transform back into guys from *Anshlag* comedy show. Like, > "I come up to my wife for some hanky-panky and rumpy-pumpy, and she goes: 'Are you nuts?'" I was thinking what if this ban applies not only to your performances but your real life. Imagine that Buzova and the others are only allowed to fuck as shown in *Sasha-Tanya*. Wearing a shirt, jumping out of the covers, like "Ahh." The bill is supposed to require performers to form traditional moral values, as was announced by the State Duma. Maybe it means telling a joke and then adding > "God bless you all." Let's take a moment to enjoy the music of freedom while it is still legal. And boys in the meantime should be careful when they come. Microplastic was found in all semen. While one of the recent studies found microplastic only in testicles... Even saying this creeps me out. And now the Chinese researchers found it in all tested semen. Doesn't surprise me that the Chinese have plastic in their sperm. It's good to be prepared for work in advance. I believe there was microplastic in our parents' cum too. 'Cause I've been degrading for 30 years. What a bummer this is for men, honestly. We've just managed to convince everybody that sperm is good for your teeth and skin. And it's all fucking useless now. What a shame. From now on, all environmentalists are gonna spit it into the recycle bin. What can I say? Humans are 80% water, and now are also plastic. Each year I'm getting closer to a water bottle bong. By the way, they found 8 types of plastic. Mostly it was polystyrene that is used in wrapping material. Imagine in 50 years sperm is gonna come out wrapped like a candy. Pretty nice. Suck it, wrap it back, and suck it again later. When they say "children are life's flowers," I didn't think it meant plastic funeral flowers. And it's unclear what to do and how to avoid it. Probably organic GMO-free sperm is gonna get popular. Men on dating apps are gonna talk about themselves like about steaks. Like, > "Fed on selected grass, listen to classical music." But it's still good news, 'cause if they discovered it, they're gonna figure out what to do now. After the biggest bummer is not microplastic in sperm, but microplastic in micro penis. Cutting comedy with my fucking adamant claws. If you think we're talking too much about sperm, buckle up 'cause we've just started. It looks like I've got a serious competitor in jerking off. Pavel Durov told that he's been a sperm donor for years. And there are over a hundred of his kids around the world. The internet responded to this: > "Durov, give the sperm back." That's funny. Normally you get paid when you donate sperm. Apparently, before they brought ads and subscriptions to Telegram, the app used alternative financial resources. Well, he's my idol. I've always said you have to try to do what you love for money, do what you're passionate about. There's a legit hunt for Durov's sperm in some cities now. The files in some clinics really look like it's his genetic material. In the question "a short essay about yourself," it's said: > "A man can't truly become free till he exists in a dead-end 'master and slave' paradigm. In such a system, any master is somebody's slave, and any slave is somebody's master. It is impossible to be a master of your own life while being a slave for money." It really makes me wonder. Did he write it before or after he jerked off? Most likely if he would write a short essay after jerking off, it would be more like: > "I'm all good." And he'd go home and get some sleep. Durov wrote a huge essay about how he had become a donor in the first place and called to destigmatize donating bio-material. Basically, the message of this post in a nutshell — > "Okay, okay." Well, how old were you when you discovered Valeriy Leontiev had this treasure of a song? We're moving on to the news from a parallel universe. The Central Bank of Russia stated... I fucking loved this title. They stated that Russians go deeper into debts 'cause they get wealthier. It's like the Commission for human rights would say that women are raped more often 'cause they got really fucking hot. > "Way to go, girls!" Let's continue our trip to the multiverse. The New York Times mistakenly reported that the series *Slovo Patsana* was sponsored by Iran. *“The boy's word”* It happened due to a mistake in an online translator that translated IRI (Internet Development Institute) as "Iran." They fixed it already. What is this "word" though? Most likely, 'inshallah.' Can you imagine if it was true? Kologrivyi's interviews would sound so much more radical. > "All religions other than mine are bullshit." I wouldn't be surprised if they thought that the *Voroniny* series is a project of the Egyptian Ministry of Defense. What a product placement. Spain will be the first country in the world to introduce a 'porno-passport' to verify a person's age. After age verification, a person receives 30 'porno-credits' that update monthly. Looks like even jerking off is not in the budget and you have to get loans for that. Hopefully, there's gonna be a good passport picture. Not taken by hackers on a web camera while you masturbate. > "Send us money or under 'sex' we're gonna write 'no experience'." I hope they're not gonna put in your passport stamps of the pages you visit. At porn customs, I don't wanna answer questions like "What were you doing in the Crimea category?" To more upsetting news. Zhenya Berkovich and Svetlana Petriychuk received an absolutely unfair sentence. They were put into jail for six years for their play that had received awards in several nominations in 2022. So basically, this play was appreciated and awarded in Russia. Shortly after, they are going to jail for it. Peskov was asked if he had any comment on this. He responded: > "I don't." This is verbatim. No joke. Well, I don't have any comments on Peskov either. Honestly, it says a lot about the situation, since a person whose job is to comment on such issues couldn't find anything to say. You know how you can disable comments on your post sometimes? Well, here we've got a human with disabled comments. What a paradox. The State Duma introduced a bill prohibiting ads placement on banned websites, such as Instagram and Facebook. Probably, there's gonna be more. I have a strong feeling that my government is trying really hard to protect me from making money. They put so much effort into it. God forbid I get a moment of relief. They're like, > "Money corrupt people, trust us. It's too late for us but you can still avoid it. Give us this poison." Also, Roskomnadzor wants to require people with over 10 thousand followers to provide their personal info to the Service. Those who will not do so will not be allowed to place ads in their media. I'm not so upset anymore, 'cause it's like everybody is a foreign agent these days. Those with fake followers are gonna feel so stupid now, right? That's funny. Like people who bought their military IDs. Plus, the State Duma announced that WhatsApp will be slowed down. The seniors declared emergency evacuation to Viber. Or as they call it, Also, as soon as I announced my Patreon and Boosty pages, they proposed to fucking ban Boosty in Russia. I'm just running around the woods with my ass on flames, not a clue where to go. As soon as I liked something... Soon enough they're gonna ban scrolling TikTok till 6 am and choke myself when I masturbate. I'm not ready! I don't have many dopamine sources left! Moving on to the biggest one. YouTube in Russia is being slowed down because of 'anti-Russian' policies of the hosting. This has been confirmed by Alexander Khinshtein, a member of the State Duma. And there's been a rumor that they're gonna ban YouTube for good in September. I really doubt that Roskomnadzor is able to do it because they have to... > "Fuck, no! It's happening!" Oh God, Dud's three-hour interview with Artemiy Lebedev used up all the traffic! Yura, have some mercy on us! We want to live our lives and see our families. The facts make it obvious that the slow-down is intentional. But the government is trying to convince us that the equipment suddenly got outdated and just can't support Google. Although they started talking about the slow-down a week prior to it. They even provided some reasons. Cool, so they couldn't make RuTube not lag. And were like, > "Okay, let's make YouTube lag." Make it fucking even. What a creative solution, I guess. In fact, there's been a couple of years of talking about YouTube ban in Russia. Nonetheless, it's obvious that the majority of people love YouTube and they don't get why they have to be stripped of it because of some political blackmailing. Let alone thousands of people who work there. Well, the fuck can I do? If they go all the way with it and ban YouTube in Russia, what can I say... Watch me curse and lose my fucking mind for three hours exclusively on VK. What else made me lose my fucking mind? The attempted assassination of Trump. The bullet streaked just an inch from his head and pierced his ear. Not too surprising though. There's a trend of remakes and reboots in American culture these days; it finally got to Kennedy. A subtle reboot with an alternative ending. Thanks for that. Makes it more fascinating. I'll be honest. When I saw that picture, I immediately thought: > "Hands down he's gonna be President." How do you beat that? The bleeding ear, he's such a badass. He may get an earring later. Just winning over the entire electorate. The weirdest thing is that the police were made aware beforehand that the shooter was on the roof. But they didn't want to listen. They wanted to see. This is really fucked up. We live in a history textbook. I guess we know the name of the next President. Especially because Biden is out of the presidential race. Come on, 'presidential RACE,' really? With his speed, it's more like steeplechase walking. Really, for a while, I haven't seen presidents fall like that. Is he a fucking cryptocurrency or something? Biden also promised he would stay on Earth till the end of his life term. Let's wrap up with some good news. An HIV vaccine has finally been designed. This is serious. Reportedly, it helps to control the virus growth. Twice a year over 5000 women were vaccinated and nobody got infected with HIV. By the end of the year, the hope to finish testing men. If the tests are successful, two shots a year will be enough to protect your body from HIV. At first, I was like: > "Why are men tested last?" And then: > "Oh right, women and children come first. It's just polite." I really hope after these two shots your doctor's gonna be like: > "Fuck around and find out." Hopefully, that's the protocol. A question though: if they got rid of HIV, does this mean that men are left without patronymics? At last, something that is happening right this moment, while we are shooting. The biggest US/Russia prisoner exchange has been completed. According to the media, Russia is releasing a WSJ journalist, Evan Gershkovich; a politician, Vladimir Kara-Murza; Lilia Chanysheva, a former regional coordinator of Navalny headquarters; a politician, Ilya Yashin; Ksenia Fadeeva, a former regional deputy; Sasha Skochilenko, who is an artist that was unjustly accused, we talked about her in the previous episode; and many, many others. They were exchanged for several spies, hackers, and FSB and GRU agents that had been detained abroad. This is truly a heartening historical event. A round of applause to these brave and honest people who are now free. The political prisoners' release is also a good thing, I guess... Ah, fuck you all. This is *Too Late*. Stick around. Yeah, we're gonna fucking talk. Who came to this show for the first time? Good to see you. Hi. And who's been here before? Are you fucking happy, you fucking pieces of shit? Every fucking episode. > "How come you're not a foreign agent yet?" Every time I read your questions: > "How come you're not..." Fucking sick of it. You jinxed it. I'm so tired. You don't see it in the final cut. There's like 20 minutes of this. > "Nope, I can't keep it, this needs to be edited out." This is your fault, you fuckers. How are people gonna know where to buy cheap flight tickets now, huh? Where are they gonna get that information? I fucking asked you not to send this thought into the universe because it hears you. > "How come you're a foreign agent?" Are you fucking kidding me, you fucks?! Okay, first question: > "Sex in front of kids?" Answer: whose kids? You mean, your own kids? Who wrote this? I kinda thought it was Lubov. She still can't figure it out. > "What do you think, Danila Alekseevich? I need your foreign agent opinion. Is this okay?" Well, what did you mean here? You're asking the wrong guy. You know my response is gonna be weird. If you had picked the safe word with your kid... No... I don't know. Whatever I say now is not gonna sound good. Okay, let's get this straight. Make some noise... Not you though, Lubov. Who has kids? Okay, what's your name? How old is your kid? Oh, you have two. How old is your first one? A year and a half. A year and a half. You can agree that at first, it's not so big of a problem to fuck with an infant around. If it's sleeping. > "We sank at the very start." Yeah, not as nice as keeping eye contact with the baby. I'm sorry, we're editing this out. It's horrible. While mom is breastfeeding, you can fuck your wife. Just ask your own mother to breastfeed. She's just sitting there with empty tits, like... And the baby is like... Wait. > "While the mom is breastfeeding." You meant at this very moment? Thank God. I thought you were like: > "Well, it's not like the baby's facing us." Yeah, you're still rocking it. We're down to the 7th circle of hell because of your fucking question. Hey, why doesn't anyone... When are you gonna have kids? I'm gonna be this old lady that you miss from back in Russia: > "When are you gonna have kids? I'm not gonna fucking live forever." Hey, how many of you are planning to have a baby within a year? Oh, what the fuck is the matter? How come? Is it expensive or something? What, is the situation unfit? The weather is fine, come on! You with your fucking notes. > "Danya, go ahead, we'll watch you manage. We're gonna watch you. Don't throw away your stroller, just take it outside and we're gonna grab it." You're the only people with a kid. Two kids. Well, you've filed somebody's quota. What's up with the rest of you? You don't wanna fuck the locals or something? Let's get this straight. The ask for a big tip? Question: > "When are you going on tour?" Well, let's see. I'm not making money from ads. It means soon, probably. > "Awesome suit. Share an Amazon link." Okay, a story with this Wolverine suit. In fact, I wasn't supposed to wear it tonight. Here's what happened. My friend and I... Our wives have gone to see their families. And my friend is fucking with me... No, not like the baby thing. He's like: > "Dude, the wives are away, let's party." So he talked me into it. I'm like: > "Fine, let's go." And I got wasted for the first time in a while. The next I wake up just fine, no hangover. An hour later I'm like: > "How stupid am I to believe this classic shit?" So I'm laying down, dying of hangover. A knock on the door. I'm not expecting anyone. Even in LA, I still have this primal instinct: > "Fuck! The cops!" It's not gonna get out of my system. Oh fuck, my wife Polina once... We'd just moved here. Someone rings the doorbell. I'm on my computer. Polina runs up with crazy eyes. > "Danya, a black lady is at the door." "Well, open up and ask her what she wants." It's like she was going: > "In a black, black town..." "What does she need from us? We're white! It doesn't match!" So I was laying down when I heard the doorbell. > "Fuck..." I open up and see a delivery guy with a package, he goes: > "It's for you." He leaves, I open the package, and there's a Wolverine suit and claws. I don't remember ordering that! I checked my orders on Amazon and it turns out that the drunk me came home and was laying in bed, like: > "I'm gonna be so fucking cool if I wear this. A 5 dollar fast delivery? Give me that! I wanna be a Wolverine now!" I tried it on. And I'm standing in front of the mirror, like: > "I'm fucking 30 years old." I feel like Hugh Jackman is also like: > "Fuck, what am I doing?" Actually, my first idea was to pay some black homeless dude 30 bucks and ask him to read this fucking foreign agent sign in Russian. I think the Ministry of Justice would appreciate that. No, a Russian homeless guy would read it properly. I want this to be fucked up. A Russian black dude? Yeah, he's doing ads for radiators, I know this one. This poor guy who genetically ended up in Russia. He was born in Russia and came here? His mother is Russian and his dad's from New York. He speaks perfect Russian. I was shocked when we went to school... Guys, it is kinda cool, but also isn't it a weird thing to say in 2024: > "Fuck, a black guy says Russian words! Never seen him eating a banana! Has those lips but speaks Russian!" Yeah, it sounds like this. When you see it for the first time, yeah, it's new. It was my second day of school, I'm answering the teacher's questions, when that guy taps on my shoulder... Like, > "You're black too." Wait, is he... Where did you go to school? Which country? It was my second day at school, I didn't know anybody or anything, so... We were both speaking English in class, but then he taps me on the shoulder and goes, still in English: > "Is this a Russian accent you have?" I'm like: > "Yeah." 10 seconds later... He whispers in your ear in perfect Russian: > "No one's gonna believe you. Matryoshka, balalaika, Cheburashka." Can you imagine? Just torture you like that, throw in some shit and then pretend it never happened. You're just shooting hoops together and he goes in your ear: This one seems to be from someone who knows me. > "Do you send voice messages with your farts?" So this is my photo grid. The last photo is from today. It's just a door. What an unexpected coincidence. I sent this to a group chat. I have answered your question, I believe. > "What would you choose: sniff each person's ass when you first meet them, or perform with Shaman at the battle front?" Fuck, each person? Would I have to sniff everybody's asses in here? Or we don't count the crowd? You could troll me like that. A random person runs up to me, like: > "I'm Vasiliy." "I didn't want to meet you!" Tonight it would be weird. > "Lubov, I'm sorry! You just caught my eye in the crowd tonight!" "I often go on dates with American guys. And I always hope that I'm gonna eat my cake and have it too. Wait a minute, what about fucking? You gotta sit on the dick too. You messed up the original expression. Ah, I didn't get to it: > "Sadly, I eat my cake and sit on the dick. What should I do to always stick to my original plan?" Okay, I've got a question. If you're not scared to show your face. No, no. I'm not gonna put you on camera. We'll just chat. Who wrote this? What did you mean exactly? What do you expect from dates with Americans? What do they fail to do? I always hope they're not like the men in Russia. Unfortunately, Moscow guys and Americans are very much alike. Hold on. Fucking hold on. When we open doors for you, when we pay the check... Is it fucking nothing for the modern progressive world? Well, that's natural and obligatory for all men on a date. Okay, the local vibe doesn't feel like all Americans would agree. Okay, fine. Let's say I agree. A man asks you out, so basically he walks you. I don't mean he fucks you, I mean he literally walks you. Have you seen the tips here? Of course, you gotta fuck him. If an American guy asked me out, I would have to fuck him. And if he tipped... I'd be like: > "Not even a question." > "How much did you tip? 70? Fucking... Get over here." Okay, so you're saying Americans and Russians are alike. Yeah, they're all too quirky. Too quirky. How do you mean? So they want to get in your panties, as soon as possible and as effortlessly as possible, right? Yes, and I give in for some reason. > "Yeah, for some reason it goes like this... He goes, 'Look,' and I'm like... And we're fucking. No idea how it happened. Anyway, Chick-fil-A sauce is actually really good." Yeah, I get it. You see, I find it hard to help you 'cause I haven't fucked any Americans for a while. It hasn't been happening. And where do you meet these men? I think in order to find better men, you should use a dating app based on Ton cryptocurrency. It's a fast and handy app that helps you meet nice people with verified profiles. I just threw it in there just in case I can make something from it. You can try a different app... Maybe you know it. It's called Pure. Yeah, it is specifically for fucking. That's a strong clapping right there. By the way, the app works really well in Russia. It works well in Moscow, in Europe... So anywhere people fuck, basically. Quite a coverage. I mean it's really popular in Russia, where your audience is. Yeah, sex is pretty popular there. At least the last time I visited, people were still fucking. A really hyped-up thing to do. Well since you all know about Pure... Pure is a sex-oriented app. Depends on the way you present yourself. Then how come you always fucking somebody? Doesn't make sense. You go: > "Somehow I end up fucking my dates, but I am unhappy about it." Here's how we can solve it. Let's change the way you present yourself. I always say it's important to have "something to fuck about." You know? Right away? That's the first thing you say? No idea why it ends up like this. Oh, great question. We're gonna talk about it. > "My boyfriend's sex noises are too gay. What do I do?" I can't even ask who wrote this because you may have come with your boyfriend. Okay. How many of you think it's really sexy when the guy keeps completely quiet during sex? This silence made me hard as hell. Don't look at me. So it means that most girls think it's cool when a guy makes some kind of... Like pressing "jump" in a video game. And you lose a hit point. But it sounds manly, so it may be fun. Damn, what is "too gay"? Is it like... Once I had sex with a girl with a cold. Sounded like I was dragging a Shar-pei along the street. You could see she was breathing but her nose is just too congested. And I heard this shit from time to time. It was fine. Anyway, every man in here should start smoking cigarettes. This way your gay sounds will become more manly. Problem solved. The guy who realized that question was about him, give me a sign that you know what to do. You got it. Oh right, you can just choke him a little! As soon as he starts that shit... Just adjust it a little bit. Just punch him in his Adam's apple so he wouldn't sound so girly. I guess that's it for tonight, thanks a lot for coming. Actually, at the end of the show, I was gonna play "Dymok" on guitar. But fuck this cringe. So I'll see you next time. Thanks for coming. Thanks for watching! Bye!

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